A Sorcerer's Visit
by ContinuumSpree
Summary: Skulduggery Pleasant has come to Hogwarts to make a speech about Sorcerers. He does it with flair, and later on, anger. Rags on Malfoy. Extremely fun to write. May get more chapters.


"Well. That's interesting." thought Skulduggery. Hogwarts loomed in the distance. Valkyrie was away, and he'd been sent to talk to the wizards. God, he hated wizards. In their towers, with their books and wands. They never punched anyone. Just waved their sticks in the air. Compensating.

He didn't really hate them, though. They just didn't do things the way they were supposed to be done; His way.

He continued walking down the road until he reached some gates. He jumped and sailed smoothly over them, landing on the other side. There were several loud cracks and five men in robes appeared.

"Stupefy!" they all yelled at once. The curses hit Skulduggery and he kept walking.

"It's really cute, guys, but you should calm down."

"Petrificus Totalus!"

"Calm down, people. I'm not here to hurt anyone."

"Impedimenta!"

Skulduggery walked over to one of the wizards, slapped him, and yanked his wand from his hands. He gave it a sarcastic wave above his head, then snapped it over his knee.

"Shut the hell up."

The wizards took the point and didn't fire off any more curses. The one with a broken wand looked sad. Skulduggery dug around in his pockets and handed the man ten Galeons. "If this doesn't pay for a new one, find another line of work."

Skulduggery marched through the halls boldly with his escort. No one saw him, though, they were all feasting. He walked and walked. The giant doors of the Great Hall were ahead. When he was ten feet away, he pushed at the air and they blasted open. He stode in with his hands held up.

"Albus!" he yelled, snapping his fingers and sending dual streams of flame halfway to the ceiling. God, he loved grand entrances.

The hall, formerly loud and boistrous, fell absolutely silent. The flames died out and it became slightly darker in the room. Skulduggery began walking down the middle isle. Absolute silence for a couple more seconds. Then came roaring applause. If Skulduggery had lips, he'd be grinning his head off.

He reached the front of the hall, and stood in front of the table of professors. He handed his hat to Dumbledore and steeled himself. Then he yanked off his skull. He'd done it before, and it didn't hurt as much as you'd think it would. The applause became even louder. He put his head back on, along with his hat, and took a seat next to the headmaster.

"That was quite possibly your best entrance yet." said Dumbledore, grinning.

"Oh, I'm not done. Do you have a speech reserved for today?"

"Of course. It's the first day of the school year. I always give a speech."

"Well, I suppose you'll be making it after me."

Dumbledore smiled kindly. "You always have something extra, don't you, Mister Pleasant?"

"Of course."

The applause had died by now, and the hall was buzzing again. Skulduggery grinned mentally. He stood up again. Most of the students noticed, and stopped talking. The Sorcerer waved both his hands and gusts of wind came from nowhere, chilling the students and gaining their attention. Skulduggery looked at Dumbledore, then took to the air.

He stopped at a reasonable height and started talking. His voice was aided by Dumbledore's magic.

"Hello, children! You all look tiny from up here. I am Skulduggery Pleasant, Detective of the Irish Sanctuary. You probably haven't heard of us."

Several hands go up in the air. "I have!" yell a chorus of voices.

"Or maybe you have. Which tells me that some of your parents broke their non-disclosure agreement. That really doesn't matter now. We would like to make our worlds mutually known." Skulduggery dropped from the air like a stone, and landed gently on the Earth.

He walked in front of the teacher's tables, left to right and back again.

"We don't use wands, and our magic comes naturally. We both face threats from within, and undoubtedly, soon from the outside. We could be facing Voldemort-" The room gasps. Dumbledore smiles, as does a boy with a scar on his forehead. Skulduggery notices everything.

"And you could be facing our unfortunate multitude of psychopaths. Not sure when or how, but you will. I have conducted a visit every seven years for as long as I have been alive. Or, well, dead. Most students in Hogwarts have seen me once and only once. This is about to change. "

"You will be seeing more of me. More of my colleges. We will come when we deem it necessary. I am here to tell you the same. If you, or anyone here is in danger, get to our doors. We will protect you and help you."

"Before you die or grow old, you may see Sorcerers wandering Diagon Alley. Maybe even have a subsection of the school devoted to different disciplines. Change is coming. I want you to be ready. To be prepared. To be accepting."

A blond boy stands up from a table. "You're nothing but a mudblood! A no-blood! You shouldn't be allowed in Hogwarts!" The green table cheered.

Skulduggery looked at them from under the brim of his fedora. Dumbledore smiled. He was so happy a Sorcerer, specifically one with the flair of Skulduggery, had finally showed up.

The Skeleton walked casually to Slytherin's table. His eyeless skull seemed to pierce Malfoy's soul.

"You might also find that Sorcerers have a rather different culture. You don't see wizards such as yourselves fighting back to this stupid, ignorant little _boy. _Or you do, just the wrong way. Let me demonstrate a Sorcerer's response to slander."

Skulduggery gestured with his hands, and plates of half-eaten food smashed into the faces of every Slytherin who had cheered. Skulduggery noticed everything.

"There will be _no_ bigotry." The plates smashed into faces once again.

"_No_ undeserved arrogance." A bowl full of mashed potatoes found it's way to Malfoy's face.

"And absolutely _no_ innuendos about not having wands!" bowls of gravy spilled on the robes of precisely seventeen Hufflepuffs, three Ravenclaws, nine Gryfondors, and all of the Slytherins.

"I didn't say anything!" protested one.

"You were thinking it!" Silence in the hall. "Sorcerers are rougher people. They tolerate less disrespectful behavior, exchange banter more as well as better. They have more severe punishments. I can tell by the state of some of your students that you need more of that. So when in the presence of a Sorcerer consider for one second, to shut your _damn mouth_ and _think_ before you speak!"

Silence. "I'm sorry. I let my anger get the better of me. It's never pretty when that happens. Sorry." Skulduggery straitened his tie and went back to sit with an astonished Dumbledore. The Detective had gone farther than he meant to, if only by a little bit.

"He's a twat." came a whisper from Malfoy.

Skulduggery turned on his heels "What?" he roared.

Malfoy rose, smirk on his face "You're a twat!" he yelled.

Skulduggery paused for a second. "Face me."

"What?"

"A duel!"

"Uh..."

"What, not ready to back your claim? Not ready to back your stupidity?"

"Um..."

"Come on!"

Malfoy was pushed up front by his fellow Slytherins. They were already healthily afraid of the Skeleton Detective.

The blond boy stood awkwardly in front of the hall.

"Well?" asked Skulduggery.

"What?"

"Are you getting out your wand?" Malfoy fumbled around by his side until his hands found wood. He pulled it out and yelled "Stupefy!"

Skulduggery started walking.

Other curses followed, but were shrugged off as if they were nothing. Skulduggery got within twenty feet of Malfoy before the boy started to panic. He tried to run away, but hit a barrier of air. A current of air picked him up and pressed him against the wall, to be squished by another barrier. Skulduggery looked him firmly in the eyes. He saw fear. Malfoy looked into Skulduggery's eye sockets. He saw nothing.

"Is the duel over?" yelled Skulduggery, backing away "Was that it? The whole fight?" He turned back to Malfoy. "Not only do you insult me once. I can understand once. I showed you what I am capable of. You think all that babble about roughness was just babble? Oh no. It was so much more than that, Mister...What was it?"

"Malfoy..sir. Draco...Malfoy." his voice was cracking and scared.

"Oh? Now we start with the sirs? Interesting. Well. It looks like you're close to having an accident from fear, Mister Malfoy."

The hall giggled. Skulduggery tilted his head to the side. "Why don't we help it along?" Laughter erupted from the benches, then died down. The Skeleton bent one finger, and a wet spot appeared on Malfoy's robes. Laughter. Skulduggery flexed his whole hand, and a glob of urine formed in front of Malfoy's face.

"Do you know what this is, Mister Malfoy _sir?_" The 'sir' was said sarcastically. Skulduggery was mocking him. "This, my dearest Draco, is your own _piss._"

He gently held his gloved palm up until the yellow liquid was above Malfoy's head. He then relaxed his hand, letting it hang loosely at his side. Malfoy was drenched in pee. Skulduggery let him go back to his table, in fact, pushing him along with bursts of air.

If Skulduggery had a face, he would be grinning the hell out of it.

* * *

I think I'll write a couple of more chapters of this, with wizards learning to adapt to Sorcerers. Probably no more drenching Malfoy in pee. Which is a shame if you ask me.


End file.
